moments of solitude

it's hard.

relationships are hard.

friendships are hard.

people are hard.

i wish i had more to blog about.

so much has been happening, with nothing even happening at all.

last month boy and i broke up.

it was a short official relationship, but we were (or i hoped he was..) emotionally together since november

it's a tough situation. it was a love triangle i guess?

two good friends that were polar opposite yet so much the same.

anyways - it was a teeter totter of emotions going back and forth between happiness and sadness.

everything was right and wrong at the exact same time.

he convinced me and "fought" for my affection

and, i trusted him.

i trusted him against all odds, against what one of my best friends told me, against what the group told me.

i trusted him based on his words.

and he let me down.

i was no longer a gf, i was a chore he felt obligated to see.

.. well, twice a week anyways.

and at night time.

(i was basically a friend with benefits.)

and everytime i brought up my feelings, he made me feel like i was wrong.

as if what is aid didn't matter unless it was a problem that had a definitive answer.

but things aren't like that in a relationship

i'm not trying to solve a math equation, i'm trying to accommodate feelings and emotions.

not everything can be so easily defined as right or wrong, and not everything has a solution.

between white and black is grey, a compromise made between the two.

we never had that.

and you know, i wanted grey.

i wanted grey and every other colour that came with it.

i never wanted to end things, that wasn't my intention.

it was tough you know?

i wanted to see him, and he wanted to see my best friend.

and now it's like. i feel that the relationship between him and her after the breakup is a lot stronger than her and mine now.

a lot of the breakup was because of that. i want to feel wanted. i want to feel needed.

i'm done being second place.

regardless of his intentions and whether or not she was aware, i'm sitting here every day&night thinking about other people's feelings, and it'd be nice to know someone thought of mine.

and, it's not like we were in love.

i'm upset with how the situation has ended up.

he's not the one that impacted my heart, what happened between me and my supposed best friend and how he can so easily brush me off bothers me.

i'm just so disappointed in everything and i feel like a fool.

but i guess everything happens for a reason in the end, right?

"everything that shines, ain't always gonna be gold."